Here We Go AGAiN...

Here we go Again!!

It has been a crazy couple of weeks- so many emotions. Today, with excitement, we get to share the news that we have been MATCHED!! A birthmom picked us. And the baby is due in a month. Talk about a roller coater ride.

So what happened?

We knew that we wanted to keep pursuing adoption. So even before we left Florida (in regards to the twins)- we told the agency to keep us posted on situations that may arise. We also called our agency here in Ohio and told her the same thing. Adoption is full of unknowns- it could be years for us to be picked again or it could be weeks. For us, it was weeks.

About a week after we got home, Jadon out of the blue started to wrap his blanket in a ball and say this is my baby, my baby sister?? It was cute and heartbreaking at the same time. He still talks about his baby to this day. But baby sister?? Who knows where he got that one. I could understand if he said baby brother because that is what we kept telling him when waiting for the twins. After about a week, all of sudden we say a situation arise via Facebook.

We got the contract, looked things over, and submitted our profile. We got word the next day that the birthmom selected us as her first choice. That same day the situation was posted through our agency too. So we were happy to know that our agency deals with this lawyer. It gave us peace of mind.

We didn't know what to feel. My heart was still grieving the loss of the twins. So many questions were floating around in my head. So many fears. Can we do this again? What if the birthmom changes her mind again? What about the financial risk? etc. etc. etc. So we took a couple of days- spent many hours in prayer and talked with the lawyer. Finally, after talking with the birthmom, we made the decision to move forward!!

Yes!!! I got to have a wonderful, long conversation with the birthmom. What a blessing. I have to admit, I was scared and nervous to make the call. How do I start the conversation? What do I say? What do I ask? I couldn't even formulate all that I wanted to know. But after praying, I made the call and it was beautiful!!

At the beginning of our journey, back in June, I wrote a post about where we were going. When praying about which avenue to take with adoption (international verse domestic), I wrote: "My head kept saying: "domestic adoption is so much more money and we want to pursue an asian child" but my heart kept saying: "domestic adoption". So we began the process."

Guess what- this child to be born next month is Asian!!

So much to do again. Please hold us up in prayer, specifically for the rest of the journey, that the birthmom and I continue to have conversations, that the baby and birthmom remain healthy, and that God provides the remaining 8,000 needed for this adoption.

I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done.
Psalm 9:1

..Picking up the Pieces..

Picking up the pieces.. That's where we are.

Our adoption story shattered when we received the news of a failed adoption. What we thought it would look like was now in a million pieces. It hurt. It's hard. BUT when you put broken pieces together, it makes a beautiful Mosaic: an art piece. So we are picking up the pieces and hopeful in the beautiful picture it will make. Our adoption story continues. And someday we will see that Mosaic. The beautiful broken pieces arranged in a way that is breath-taking, more beautiful than we could have dreamed.

Many people have asked, "how are you doing?" I must be honest- very well. Very hopeful. My Spirit is full of Joy. How can that be? How can I be grieving and experiencing Joy at the same time. I can't quite explain it. But this is what I know:

Galatians 6:2 (NIV)- Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
So many people have been praying for us, encouraging us- simply put- carrying our burdens. So many people have grieved for us and with us. It's actually a very beautiful picture of the body of Christ. I didn't walk this journey alone. Others came along side me, like you. You held some of my grief so I didn't have to. Isn't that what life is about? I am so blessed by this situation.

The other thing I know:

John 15:5 .. apart from Christ you can do nothing.    
It is by faith that I walk. I know me. I know that if it was about my way- I would crawl into a hole and stay there. I would be overcome with hurt and depression. I would be angry. I would cry out that this is not fair. I would be focused on self pity. BUT I am not just Kim anymore. I have a living God that wants to be with me. Emmanuel- God with us. It is through Him that I can move forward. That I can pray for that mother and pray for her well being and her love for those twins. Through Him, I can be at peace and not have to ask "why".  That I can accept the fact that we were faithful in going down that journey and that the journey has not ended. Through Him, I can have Joy in the midst of grief. Without Him, I would be nothing.

So what's next: we lift up our foot and take a step. Continue to walk in faith. Saying "Lord, I will go where you want me to go." It's not about me. I don't live in Kim's story and God is a character. Rather it is about God's story and I get to be apart of that!! It's about a Holy and Perfect God who loves me unconditionally, despite my ugliness, my sin, my disobedience.

Grace. Mercy. Love. God's story.

We have touched base with agencies and will start over again. Waiting for situations to arise. Submitting our profile. Waiting to be chosen. Waiting..

This journey has taught me so much about the struggles of the birthmom. And even though I may face waiting and pain and loss- emotionally, physically, and financially- it is worth it. God has a heart for adoption. He calls us His children. He adopted us. And it cost him a huge sacrifice. With Him, I can do the same.

Micah 6:8 (NLT) to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.

Pain in Adoption...

Adoption is surrounded by pain and suffering, but also joy and redemption. For us, pain started many years ago when having biological children was not an option for us. It took years for me to deal with that pain but I praise God that my womb is closed. Because of that trial I grew to have a heart for adoption. At first adoption was about fulfilling my need for a family but it has grown into a love for orphans, to put their needs above my own.

On the flip side, there is pain for the birthmothers. Maybe they are in poverty. Maybe they were raped. Maybe they are in a bad relationship. I don't know- but I do know they are in crisis which involves pain. That is why they turn to the option of adoption. There is also pain when the birth mom signs the paper. There is a grieving process. There is also pain for the adoptive family when the process fails. There is a grieving process. We sometimes forget about the pain and the suffering that is involved with adoption. One side will ultimately suffer deep pain. Today, it is us.

With saddened hearts, we share the news of a failed adoption. We are grieving the loss of our twins. (Jase and Jamison). It is hard for people who have not been touched by adoption to fully understand. But from the day this process started, the twins had two mothers. They were my children. We knew the risks involved (all adoptions, domestic or international, have the risk of failing). But our hearts for orphans overshadows the risks. And today we face the reality of the twins not coming home with us.

You may ask what happened? Without going into to much detail, the birthmom changed her mind and decided to parent to avoid going to prison. It's complicated. And she comes from a different world than me. I can't understand her decisions and I can't understand where she is coming from.

My heart is for the best interest of the children. Many people, like us, the agency, and birthmom's family, agree the best interest of the children is adoption. But it ultimately the birthmom decides. I pray for her and those babies. She has no money, no job, no house, has stopped parenting her older two children but yet chooses to parent these twins. Pray for the older children. I can't imagine what they are thinking and feeling. Here their mom has not been there for them and suddenly now she is going to be there for these new babies. I pray for their hearts. I pray for the safety and security of these babies. I pray that the birthmom changes her lifestyle and makes wiser decisions that will benefit her children.

Prayers were answered. The twins were born around 38 1/2 weeks, healthy, and over 7 pounds each. Two beautiful babies have made their way into this world.

As for us, we are hurting but still in good spirits. We could question and ask God why? But that is a slippery slope. Instead, we hold onto the promises that our God is faithful. He makes all things good for the glory of His name. We were faithful in following Him. We believe that within Him we will find peace and rest. He already has provided that for us. Our faith will not be shaken. Music touches my soul and these are lyrics that I am holding on to: that I am finding rest: that I am finding hope.

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my HEART is TORN
I will PRAISE You in this storm

Hold us in your prayers as we pick up the pieces and move forward. Watch the movie STUCK (it's on Netflix) and it will give you a glimpse of why we can't give up. We will continue down the path of adoption- starting back at square on again.

27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.  James 1:27

With thank you for all your support and love. I will continue to post in the future as things change. This is not the end.

{Overcomer...}

Wow... These weeks have been hard. The situation changed last monday. We were hoping it was going to allow us more access to the birthmom. But instead, it has become more restrictive. We know and understand the situation at hand, but for the protection of the birthmom and the twins, we are choosing to keep some details private.

Our agency has not been in contact with the birthmom in over a week and a half. We have no idea if the twins are still in the womb, if she has delivered, or if she even wants to continue with the adoption plan. We just sit and wait. We also have no rights to these children yet. They are not McCabe's yet. So whatever the birthmom is going through, I must respect her privacy, her decisions. I pray daily that God touches her heart. That through this process she sees Christ. That she is filled with an overwhelming sense of peace and love- one she may not understand but one that is undeniably Christ.

For us, it is hard. This season of just waiting and being ready if needed, hurts.. As we were driving in the car on Saturday, I tried to visualize what I am feeling. I feel like I am in a battle. That for weeks I have been hit and beaten, laying on the ground, covering my head as blows/punches keep coming. Part of me just wanted to stay there and become numb to the beating. To commit my Spirit to defeat. To give up and just go home and forget this ever happened. But then a song came on the radio: Overcomer by Mandisa. It spoke to my heart. Here are some of the lyrics:

You're an overcomer
Stay in the fight 'til the final round
You're not going under
'Cause God is holding you right now
You might be down for a moment
Feeling like it's hopeless
That's when He reminds You
That you're an overcomer
You're an overcomer....

Everyone's been down
Hit the bottom, hit the ground
Oh, you're not alone
Just take a breath, don't forget
Hang on to His promises
He wants you to know...


I immediately visualized me standing up. Still getting punched. But with a renewed sense of strength. A strength that no matter what happens I am an overcomer in Christ. He is my strength. He is my hope. For the first time in many weeks, my soul was at peace. Pure peace. I soaked in that moment.

I will fight the spiritual battle over these twins. I pray that they will be loved, cared for, and will grow up to know the love of Christ. To be blessed by the Father's love. (whether that is through us or through the birthmom, or through someone else).

Continue to pray for all involved. It has meant the world to us. It's what is keeping us going. Pray for Jadon... He is such a trooper. He is tired of traveling, being out of routine, of waiting for his brothers. It breaks my heart to see him this way. There have been days when he said "can we just go home" The stress is getting to us all. But the end is near.